It does not get me going at all. (...)
It does not shift me it's not the kind of thing that I like (...)
It does not move me it's not the kind of thing that I like (...)
She does not listen she's too wrapped up with all of her things (...)
This does not get to me 'cos she's not the kind of girl that I like (...)
She does not move me she's not the kind of girl that I like (...)"
Kaiser Chiefs - "Na Na Na Na Naa" , Employment.
Sometimes it seems as if life is laughing at me and actually enjoying itself. I love irony in life but generally when it's directed to someone else that I don't like. Not exactly when it's directed to me or some of those [u]great exceptions[/u] [s][please check the previous post with this title to understand this quotation][/s]. That fucker is really grinning in pure wicked pleasure. It's quite an ironic creature, life...It's a real bitch.
*reviews what she's just written* What am I talking about?! Seriously, I'm the one who's not able to say 'no' to people and it's life that's the bitch and I'm the victim. You see, that's the annoying thing about not believing in any kind of higher power. As a matter of fact I don't even believe in magic wands, santa claus or any other things I have never seen before with my own eyes. Personally, I think I'm much more of a believer in Santa Claus since I've seen some replicas of him somewhere in malls around the area than I'm a believer in God or Jesus. Okay...maybe I'm wrong. After all Mel Gibson did do a role or two as Jesus and I've seen a few replicas and representations of Jesus and God... Still, I'm totally drifting from the main subject.
The annoying thing about not believing in any higher power is that we're always guilty of our own actions. If we, the atheists, make out with our friend's girlfriend/boyfriend we can't go on saying that's the way God wanted it. Afterwards we also can't go immediately to church and keep praying and praying 'till all our sins go away and we're ready to go to heaven. I guess, at the end, we'll all end up in hell, if it exists, afterall.
Attention, though! I'm not saying God doesn't exist at all. He might but...He also might not exist. So, I rather not bet in any of the versions. Have I seen Him?! No. Then, I won't believe Him untill I've seen Him. Full stop.
Anyway, it's kind of annoying the fact that we're guilty and responsible for our actions and that we'll probably end up in hell if it really exists. So... it ends up I'm the fool who can't say "no" when she means "no" in my love life. Or the fool who can't talk with the person she really loves.
Yes, that's right. If you said, right now, that you're in love with me I wouldn't be able to say "Sorry, I don't like you that way". On the other hand, if I loved you I'd never be able to speak to you or talk to you about it. One of my list of flaws. Still trying to change it but I haven't been successful so far.
I'm really weak when it comes to that subject. To saying no in love cases. I simply can't because I can't stop thinking "That person's going to stay so sad..." and plus I think wrongly that it's better to have someone than anyone. I know, reasonably, that I'm fooling also the other person but I'm just not brave enough to say no. In this past summer I've had over 4 proposals [I usually get none] and I was totally fraked [Yes, nessa, I did use fraked]. I mean what the hell was I going to say to them?! I said half no half yes which is worse than anything. Seriously, someone help me get my feelings out and say no! I just wanna say no!
On the other hand, I've got this person whom I seriously am nearly pathetic about. I've had so many chances to speak to her I've stopped counting and still I can't say a word when I'm around her. Not a word coming out! I just start shaking like a I've got hypothermia or something! And that person's seen it. I know she has. I mean, of course she has, it is quite obvious. And that that person moves and it's like WOW...and, then again, I'm fraked. I should have already started a conversation because I've already started one with her via internet. Now...it's time for real time conversation. How about that?!
Noooo. Of course not. In one of the situations we both looked at each others' eyes for about 30 seconds saying nothing at all. None of us started a conversation. How ridiculous is that?! Maybe that person hasn't seen who I am already. Who knows?!
On the following day I'm nearly sure she was following me with that person's eyes all the way 'till I entered my school's pavillion. But how can I be sure that was a way to say she was actually trying to speak to me?! Reasonably, she might just be looking at me because my bag is quite different from everybody else's....
I'm hoping to find out what the hell was that by starting a conversation while we're both on our way to school. I'll start up the conversation. Why not?! It's just a person. It's a normal person. I should be able to do it, right?!
I'm hoping to find some courage by writing in my own blog, made and sponsored by myself and then I'll make it tomorrow, whether the conversation goes badly or not. I'll make it. I'll make it somehow. It seems as if I'm nearly asperger, seriously...What the hell! Why can't I?! This kind of sentimentalism s**** really kills me.
Anyway...Non of the other people move me at all but I still can't say no. I've got to do it like KT Tunstall:
"I felt a little fear upon my back
He said "Don't look back, just keep on walking."
When the big black horse said, "Hey lady!" {When the big black horse said, "Look this way"}
Said, "Look this way, will you marry me?" {Said, "Hey, lady, will you marry me?"}
But I said no, no, no, no-no-no
I said no, no, you're not the one for me
No, no, no, no-no-no
I said no, no, you're not the one for me"
Kt Tunstall - "Black Horse and The Cherry Tree", Eye To The Telescope.
I really hate insecurity in me. I'm not being sincere to people and I hate not being sincere, HATE IT about me.
[u]Next step[/u]: Saying no to people I don't like. Starting conversations with people I like. Seems pretty simple but it isn't.
Starting tomorrow.
Au revoir!! (: (:
[Audrey Hepburn: one of the pictures in the world that makes me peaceful. Simply Audrey (: (: ]
