Forget about the reasons...

...and the treasons we are seeking. Forget about the notion that our emotions can be swept away. Forget about being guilty, we are innocent instead. For soon we will all find our lives swept away. - Dave Matthews Band "Seek up"-




















CARPE DIEM, that sums it up.

Sometimes things get a bit harder to handle and this expression harder to follow. Today was one of those days. It had it's bad and good moments but somehow I feel like there's something left, something that's yet to be enjoyed. It must be of today, who knows?! Still trying to live up to the expression though, always living life at it's full...but sometimes those depressing feelings go on and take over you, ofuscating all other sweet and good feelings. It's nothing we can prevent or predict, it simply comes up and creates this sort of blur.

Yesterday

"Everyday things change, basically they stay the same" - Dave Matthews Band "Seek up"-


This morning I woke up with a friend bursting into tears on the cellaphone as I was trying to cancel plans since I had only slept for 3 hours. Not a great way to start up a day but I thought it'd be wise to help her out the best I could to get over her sadness. I texted her (while I was still sleepy) and kept texting her untill I was completely awake.

She texted me some words (of someone who's with a depression) which really reminded me of my prior boyfriend, or supposed boyfriend. I cannot say it didn't affect me, because it did. It wasn't the whole "oh, he's gone" but the negative part of him.

God [if he ACTUALLY existed] would know how I loved him and...I don't even know why. I've had my only fight with V about him and I don't even know how it got that way, how I protected him or the idea of him so much and didn't really know why I loved him.

No real reason either than chemistry, I think. There was something about his voice, the words he said, how sweetly he called me. There was something about it and his fragility and insecurity that made me attracted, without any real reason. I always loved that fragil, insecure side of people...either women or men and it's not racional.

It's that and perfumes...but even then, there has to be chemistry for me to really fall in love. And...this whole love history just really annoys me.

Love's ridiculous and illusional but it makes us feel good, which sucks.

I always trend to have impossible loves. It's curious, right?! Story of my life...which sometimes never seems to change. Just tired of it all....
[Comment after re-reading the above: What's wrong with me?! WTF?!]

Today

"Come and open up your folding chair next to me. My feet are buried in the sand and there's a breeze. There's a shadow you can't see my eyes. And the sea is just a wetter version of the skies." - Regina Spektor "Folding Chair"-


Don't damage yourself, fall into emotional traps or get yourself hurt over other's words, please do so for myself. Everyone's hurtful sometimes, everyone gets hurt sometimes, everyone gets pulled into a mess of emotions sometimes, everyone gets sucked into a discussion and anger vortex sometimes. But only some, at times, strengthen after going through some of these.

If you get quiet while you're being hurt you'll just get more into that vortex. Reply, answer...no one can hurt you. You'll eventually feel bad but you can't simply stuck it in yourself and keep it downstairs because that's going to show them advantage and disadvantage to us. So why give them pleasure?! Reply, not too rude, not too soft....just the right manner so they can understand that you're not up to being kid around. You got to feel good about yourself...comfortable with being in your own skin. If not then you're not actually enjoying life, living up to the expression.

Just do me a favour...please be one of those who get strengthen. We gotta overcome, get up in your feet and enjoy life as it is. Or else it's just a useless passage through this world because, at the very end we're just dust n' bones lying underground and feeding warms. So why not enjoy?! And, when I say enjoy, I don't mean you should get around and go on making love with everyone that comes around, that's not enjoying...that's getting to feel real emotional emptiness. It's fun at the moment but not so fun or enjoyable as it could be with someone you actually love.

CARPE DIEM doesn't mean you haven't got to think about future implications because, very likely, they'll come up. But there should be pure BALANCE between them. Balance is the key. Live for today but consider tomorrow's implications too.

Don't mess up your life ignoring the possible future you might get.

"Do what I say and not what I do"

As for me, I'm not trying to give you lecture, but I'm better at advicing than at following my own advice. I'm not sure how I'm feeling today...I guess confused, perhaps tomorrow I'll get some of my feelings cleared. Today was great but I have just been thinking a lot. So there are many emotions/opinions towards many subjects that get me confused.

I could probably go and on about a whole number of subjects. Simply because I'm feeling insecure, confused and ashamed...of many things. I really must be stupid just being who I am. Ridiculous it's what pop's out of my head when I do a little retrospective over many of my actions over the day/year. Simply ridiculous, clowny, shameful... I don't deserve things. Simply don't. Can't be fooling me around, can't.

Anyway, that's a lot of subject for other posts to be written. This is the end by today and I'm still writting whatever I feel like writting. Not cohesive? Too many spelling mistakes? I don't care. It's mine and I'll do whatever I feel like doing with it. It's simply MINE. I can be able not to talk about today or talk about something that has nothing to do with what I'm feeling right now but it's my choice, only MY choice and that's what I love in it. (: So I say...enough for today and so it is!

Note: [Scene taken from "Breakfast At Tiffany's" - Audrey Hepburn- my favourite movie]

おやすみ !! [a.k.a. good night in japanese]