I want a book, a good book

Do you know those days when you desperatly desire what you never imagined you'd ever want?! Well, I'm on one of those days. I'm so damn bored I would be willing to go to a rap concert and, seriously, I H.A.T.E. rap.

Sometime ago one of my portuguese teachers (there have been a few during these last 3 years) told me Fernando Pessoa had actually died of boredom. Now that I'm feeling bored enough to die of boredom I wonder if it's actually possible...Is it possible?! I'm not even living, to be sincere. I'm feeling a whole lot of emotions, good and bad, confusing. But they all seem to end up together as a complete grey blur fuzzy feeling. It's almost insane. I feel everything and nothing at the same time.

I haven't done exercise in years and I think I'm actually having a lot of energies accumulated inside. I think this is a way of trying to let it go somehow. I need to get on working out on something and, at the same time, occupying my brain for it to stop going through all those little, big problems in my life that cannot be fixed right now.

For the first one I think tomorrow morning (it is "tomorrow" morning already) I'm going to rent a bike and ride around the beach listening to DMB and Guns N' Roses to finally get some of this energy out. I mean, I have had physical exercise all my life, since I was a little child. I actually find it normal that suddently interrumpting the whole exercise routine makes me so unquiet, nervous and somehow troubled. I guess it also affects me pshycologically.
I need to think of a long time thing for me, that actually suits me, my schedule and my spirit. I thought ballet was it and it is in a way...but I feel as if the people around it make it pshycologically hard to handle. There're also so full of dramas I just wanna make them wanna shoke. I don't think I can handle that for that much long...
I also need knew experiences. But what?! I can go to the gynasium but only the gynasium would not fully fullfill me. What more?! I'm a drag at any sports that involves balls (or almost anything that does involve it) and I'm horrible with forming teams. I can't swim, I hate running (specially the part where I can actually twist my ankle again). However...I need to get active. I need to find my sport, my activity. I need to let all this energy out.
I think I'm going to think about it any other day...but the truth is I'm actually worried about it.

As for occupying my head I need to have my cat's little play house done. Maybe I shall do so. My mother decided to finally install the new printer and left a few little boxes I could work with to build her up [yes, I speak of my cat as if it's a real person, have you got a problem with that?! She's far much better than most people I've seen around. If we have them called people, why can't I treat my cat as one?!] a little play house. I'm sure she's going to enjoy it and untill them I won't be thinking what a looser I am or how bad my love life is right now or even how some who I thought were friends simply weren't real friends. I need to focus on positive things. Yep, this was what I learned from a 1 year relationship. A relationship which hadn't much success by the end and proved my best friend right.

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm better being myself or instead I should have been somebody other than myself. It's easier for society to be what they want me to be but should I?!

"I find sometimes its easy to be myself/Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else" So Much to Say - DMB

And if I had done things differently in my life, if I had turned right instead of left would I still be the same person? This little thought that always tormented me: If I had gone to another area and not science would I still be the same? Would I be happier? Would I be more saddened? I have chosen this way, though...the deed is done, there's no coming back...but still...I wonder. If my life goes wrong will I ever be able to forgive me for taken this left turn instead of the right one?! I'm not really sure.

"Could I have been anyone other than me?!"

There are time where I feel like I'm wrong in the world, that I'm not going to be accepted, loved for who I am. Life can be tough and marvelous. I want to be myself and I want it to still be marvelous, can these two go together?!

There are so many troubling matters in my mind that I need a little escape time, an escape space too. I simply don't know what escape I can have but I somehow feel a book, a real good book would be a nice idea. But no book seems to really excite me and amaze me anymore. All of them seem so dull and run out of life these days. I need a book that keeps me desperately waiting for the next page to be read. I need something which speaks about science but with a bit of fiction. The quite amount of fiction and science that doesn't make it sound unreal or so real and elitist I can't understand it's vocabulary. I need excitement, I need action not too much description.
I'm never able to read a whole book because by the middle of it I started getting so bored and disappointed I find there's no need to know the end. Book shouldn't be that way or have so many ups and downs, twists and turns. As for me, by the third twist I get dizzie and bored. I don't like predictable ending or so many twists and turns it makes me want to drop reading the book. It's nearly a battle to finish and it shouldn't. It shouldn't. A book should be a pleasure to read.

It's all a blur like most of my life decisions....It's all kind of grey and blury. My feelings, my decisions, my book choices.

I simply want a book, a good book!