Forget about the reasons...

...and the treasons we are seeking. Forget about the notion that our emotions can be swept away. Forget about being guilty, we are innocent instead. For soon we will all find our lives swept away. - Dave Matthews Band "Seek up"-




















CARPE DIEM, that sums it up.

Sometimes things get a bit harder to handle and this expression harder to follow. Today was one of those days. It had it's bad and good moments but somehow I feel like there's something left, something that's yet to be enjoyed. It must be of today, who knows?! Still trying to live up to the expression though, always living life at it's full...but sometimes those depressing feelings go on and take over you, ofuscating all other sweet and good feelings. It's nothing we can prevent or predict, it simply comes up and creates this sort of blur.

Yesterday

"Everyday things change, basically they stay the same" - Dave Matthews Band "Seek up"-


This morning I woke up with a friend bursting into tears on the cellaphone as I was trying to cancel plans since I had only slept for 3 hours. Not a great way to start up a day but I thought it'd be wise to help her out the best I could to get over her sadness. I texted her (while I was still sleepy) and kept texting her untill I was completely awake.

She texted me some words (of someone who's with a depression) which really reminded me of my prior boyfriend, or supposed boyfriend. I cannot say it didn't affect me, because it did. It wasn't the whole "oh, he's gone" but the negative part of him.

God [if he ACTUALLY existed] would know how I loved him and...I don't even know why. I've had my only fight with V about him and I don't even know how it got that way, how I protected him or the idea of him so much and didn't really know why I loved him.

No real reason either than chemistry, I think. There was something about his voice, the words he said, how sweetly he called me. There was something about it and his fragility and insecurity that made me attracted, without any real reason. I always loved that fragil, insecure side of people...either women or men and it's not racional.

It's that and perfumes...but even then, there has to be chemistry for me to really fall in love. And...this whole love history just really annoys me.

Love's ridiculous and illusional but it makes us feel good, which sucks.

I always trend to have impossible loves. It's curious, right?! Story of my life...which sometimes never seems to change. Just tired of it all....
[Comment after re-reading the above: What's wrong with me?! WTF?!]

Today

"Come and open up your folding chair next to me. My feet are buried in the sand and there's a breeze. There's a shadow you can't see my eyes. And the sea is just a wetter version of the skies." - Regina Spektor "Folding Chair"-


Don't damage yourself, fall into emotional traps or get yourself hurt over other's words, please do so for myself. Everyone's hurtful sometimes, everyone gets hurt sometimes, everyone gets pulled into a mess of emotions sometimes, everyone gets sucked into a discussion and anger vortex sometimes. But only some, at times, strengthen after going through some of these.

If you get quiet while you're being hurt you'll just get more into that vortex. Reply, answer...no one can hurt you. You'll eventually feel bad but you can't simply stuck it in yourself and keep it downstairs because that's going to show them advantage and disadvantage to us. So why give them pleasure?! Reply, not too rude, not too soft....just the right manner so they can understand that you're not up to being kid around. You got to feel good about yourself...comfortable with being in your own skin. If not then you're not actually enjoying life, living up to the expression.

Just do me a favour...please be one of those who get strengthen. We gotta overcome, get up in your feet and enjoy life as it is. Or else it's just a useless passage through this world because, at the very end we're just dust n' bones lying underground and feeding warms. So why not enjoy?! And, when I say enjoy, I don't mean you should get around and go on making love with everyone that comes around, that's not enjoying...that's getting to feel real emotional emptiness. It's fun at the moment but not so fun or enjoyable as it could be with someone you actually love.

CARPE DIEM doesn't mean you haven't got to think about future implications because, very likely, they'll come up. But there should be pure BALANCE between them. Balance is the key. Live for today but consider tomorrow's implications too.

Don't mess up your life ignoring the possible future you might get.

"Do what I say and not what I do"

As for me, I'm not trying to give you lecture, but I'm better at advicing than at following my own advice. I'm not sure how I'm feeling today...I guess confused, perhaps tomorrow I'll get some of my feelings cleared. Today was great but I have just been thinking a lot. So there are many emotions/opinions towards many subjects that get me confused.

I could probably go and on about a whole number of subjects. Simply because I'm feeling insecure, confused and ashamed...of many things. I really must be stupid just being who I am. Ridiculous it's what pop's out of my head when I do a little retrospective over many of my actions over the day/year. Simply ridiculous, clowny, shameful... I don't deserve things. Simply don't. Can't be fooling me around, can't.

Anyway, that's a lot of subject for other posts to be written. This is the end by today and I'm still writting whatever I feel like writting. Not cohesive? Too many spelling mistakes? I don't care. It's mine and I'll do whatever I feel like doing with it. It's simply MINE. I can be able not to talk about today or talk about something that has nothing to do with what I'm feeling right now but it's my choice, only MY choice and that's what I love in it. (: So I say...enough for today and so it is!

Note: [Scene taken from "Breakfast At Tiffany's" - Audrey Hepburn- my favourite movie]

おやすみ !! [a.k.a. good night in japanese]

The Kit Kat Jam

[Yep, this life version has lyrics unlike the one on the album 'Busted Stuff']

Now, as I'm writing this sentence I ask myself: Have I ever written so much in a day?! The answer is obviously no. I know I need to let it all out and somehow feel an urge to write, write and write untill my fingers bleed or my head explodes. In english. I feel like writing in english, not in my mother language. Why?! I don't even have a clue...I feel so confortable writing in english, it feels like such a sweet escape, the ideas simply come flooding in from my head to my fingers and it's all in english.

This is the closest I've got to having a diary with no worries about getting tired and ending up with my fingers all fucked up before I end up writing what I desire to write. I like it this way and shall keep it this way. I shan't [sweetest contraction ever *_*] show it to the world. Only to a few of the closest friends, if so. I like it as it is, perfectly hidden and safe.

I've been hearing "Kit Kat Jam" over and over and it's pure love...pure fascination. Though I enjoy listening to those sweet jams [that aren't exactly spontaneous but are still sweet] on the BTCS's album after each track [and I do love them a lot] they're so short it makes me feel like begging for more. I love jammings in all kind of music [except when it involves rap, hip-hop or really heavy metal]. I think being able to make a good jamming truly shows the artist a certain group of musicians are. Each musician as a say, as a sentence to tell us and does it through music, absolutly brilliant.


Once my ballet teacher told me that music is like a chat. It's about getting the sentence, each musical sentence has something to say, some new argument to bring to the conversation, whether it's between lovers, friends or simple monologues. Music is talking to us all by itself. The musician is trying to tell us something and we better listen. That's why I love jammings, it's not a chat that's already written but something that they want to say at the moment. Some people find live jammings completely boring because they simply want the singer to be singing the lyrics they've known. I like jammings, I think they really show the quality of the artist and the purity of music.

I still have a lot to learn but i'm willing to learn more about good music (:

Auf Wiedersehen everybody!! ;D

[just one more Регина Спектор's photo...]

There must be some kind of way out of here...

(said the joker to the thief) - All Along The Watchtower, Jimi Hendrix.


Регина Спектор [a.k.a. Regina Spektor in russian] is absolute love




Most of my fandoms I cannot blame anyone for but I can surely blame my mother for making me love anything that's russian. Who told her to keep teaching little russian words to a 8 year-old daughter curious and hungry for learning foreign languages?! I grew up loving russia, and the result? Regina Spektor. She's got the personality, the originality, the russian roots...for God's sake! She's got a song sang in english and russian and it's title is in french!!! That's pure fandom for a girl who loves learning new languages and has a facinastion with Russia... That should be a crime!

On top of it all, she just makes you love her, immediately. Plus, she plays the piano...am I feeling that will to play it again?! Wait...oh...wait....ah...Yes I am! She makes me miss it and like it all over again. I mean...WOW, this woman is awesome.

Anyways, my search for the way out of this emotion confusion seems to be something between russian words, riding bikes, some alone time to simply think and Regina Spektor. So far it seems like a good mixture.

I sometimes go on and on thinking how stupidily I've behaved or how foolish such words came out of my lips. I can simply conclude that I'm foolish. As simple and plain as that, I'm foolish. I know I "shouldn't" feel that way and that everybody gets something wrong sometimes but...doesn't really seem as it's only sometimes to me. Lack of self-esteem shit again...Kind of tired of it, to be true.

It's simply so much emotionally that I seem like hormone city [NOTE: Cassandra's quote about Rose's feelings towards The Doctor <3.>Extremely excited fangirl!!!]. I need a little break from these love emotions...it's begining to ruin everything around me. How?! How can I simply push it away?!

Anyhow, I'm done for today...Just one more Регина Спектор's picture. (a really known one but...who fucking cares?!)

Хорошая ночь!! (; [a.k.a. russian good night (: ]

I want a book, a good book

Do you know those days when you desperatly desire what you never imagined you'd ever want?! Well, I'm on one of those days. I'm so damn bored I would be willing to go to a rap concert and, seriously, I H.A.T.E. rap.

Sometime ago one of my portuguese teachers (there have been a few during these last 3 years) told me Fernando Pessoa had actually died of boredom. Now that I'm feeling bored enough to die of boredom I wonder if it's actually possible...Is it possible?! I'm not even living, to be sincere. I'm feeling a whole lot of emotions, good and bad, confusing. But they all seem to end up together as a complete grey blur fuzzy feeling. It's almost insane. I feel everything and nothing at the same time.

I haven't done exercise in years and I think I'm actually having a lot of energies accumulated inside. I think this is a way of trying to let it go somehow. I need to get on working out on something and, at the same time, occupying my brain for it to stop going through all those little, big problems in my life that cannot be fixed right now.

For the first one I think tomorrow morning (it is "tomorrow" morning already) I'm going to rent a bike and ride around the beach listening to DMB and Guns N' Roses to finally get some of this energy out. I mean, I have had physical exercise all my life, since I was a little child. I actually find it normal that suddently interrumpting the whole exercise routine makes me so unquiet, nervous and somehow troubled. I guess it also affects me pshycologically.
I need to think of a long time thing for me, that actually suits me, my schedule and my spirit. I thought ballet was it and it is in a way...but I feel as if the people around it make it pshycologically hard to handle. There're also so full of dramas I just wanna make them wanna shoke. I don't think I can handle that for that much long...
I also need knew experiences. But what?! I can go to the gynasium but only the gynasium would not fully fullfill me. What more?! I'm a drag at any sports that involves balls (or almost anything that does involve it) and I'm horrible with forming teams. I can't swim, I hate running (specially the part where I can actually twist my ankle again). However...I need to get active. I need to find my sport, my activity. I need to let all this energy out.
I think I'm going to think about it any other day...but the truth is I'm actually worried about it.

As for occupying my head I need to have my cat's little play house done. Maybe I shall do so. My mother decided to finally install the new printer and left a few little boxes I could work with to build her up [yes, I speak of my cat as if it's a real person, have you got a problem with that?! She's far much better than most people I've seen around. If we have them called people, why can't I treat my cat as one?!] a little play house. I'm sure she's going to enjoy it and untill them I won't be thinking what a looser I am or how bad my love life is right now or even how some who I thought were friends simply weren't real friends. I need to focus on positive things. Yep, this was what I learned from a 1 year relationship. A relationship which hadn't much success by the end and proved my best friend right.

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm better being myself or instead I should have been somebody other than myself. It's easier for society to be what they want me to be but should I?!

"I find sometimes its easy to be myself/Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else" So Much to Say - DMB

And if I had done things differently in my life, if I had turned right instead of left would I still be the same person? This little thought that always tormented me: If I had gone to another area and not science would I still be the same? Would I be happier? Would I be more saddened? I have chosen this way, though...the deed is done, there's no coming back...but still...I wonder. If my life goes wrong will I ever be able to forgive me for taken this left turn instead of the right one?! I'm not really sure.

"Could I have been anyone other than me?!"

There are time where I feel like I'm wrong in the world, that I'm not going to be accepted, loved for who I am. Life can be tough and marvelous. I want to be myself and I want it to still be marvelous, can these two go together?!

There are so many troubling matters in my mind that I need a little escape time, an escape space too. I simply don't know what escape I can have but I somehow feel a book, a real good book would be a nice idea. But no book seems to really excite me and amaze me anymore. All of them seem so dull and run out of life these days. I need a book that keeps me desperately waiting for the next page to be read. I need something which speaks about science but with a bit of fiction. The quite amount of fiction and science that doesn't make it sound unreal or so real and elitist I can't understand it's vocabulary. I need excitement, I need action not too much description.
I'm never able to read a whole book because by the middle of it I started getting so bored and disappointed I find there's no need to know the end. Book shouldn't be that way or have so many ups and downs, twists and turns. As for me, by the third twist I get dizzie and bored. I don't like predictable ending or so many twists and turns it makes me want to drop reading the book. It's nearly a battle to finish and it shouldn't. It shouldn't. A book should be a pleasure to read.

It's all a blur like most of my life decisions....It's all kind of grey and blury. My feelings, my decisions, my book choices.

I simply want a book, a good book!

There are great exceptions

There are people we don't have the patience to care enough to reply or say anything at all when a friendship is dying. There are people who are worth every single effort because there's something building that's worth saving. The second kind of people are exceptions, great exceptions.

A 4 hour talk in a mall with V. Nothing actually felt more perfect than that. The subjects just kept coming out and they were so true, they came from deep inside from both sides. I told her things I never thought I'd ever tell to anyone. Old feelings, recent feelings. It's almost odd how things just clicked together, subjects just came, we let our feelings come out and it was just it, two of us letting all out, talking, supporting. Just it, no complications, no dramas. Just it. I know it's a day I won't ever forget and it's life changing.

My life it's all so confusing and blur but suddently this was clear, was that and I knew it was calling me to change to getting out, to saying what I mean. I mean...I seriously never thought I'd tell some stuff to anyone at all and there they were...coming out of my mouth. Most of the things that were said there I'm not even able to repeat 'cause the moment, the words coming out. The most wonderful evening of understanding, hearing, friendship. That was...it.

I finally felt free of worries, simple, understood most of all. I know I still haven't found myself in so many ways but now I know I will. I know we will get it, get a long sucessful life. I always knew she would but the words escaped me, they just flew at the right moments. I have changed and whoever truly knows me, knows I did. I'm not big into words nowadays, not the one's with some feeling, anyhow. I have changed and I'm better at my own eyes but when shall I know I am effectively better?! Never, I guess. I can't see me as an outsider but I can get true friends now and that really, really makes all sense. That's all I need for now.

As I see it, I'm going to do what I think is best, I'm going to be absolutly true to myself. Things will come out if there's a need for them to come out. The rest will crash into life naturally. I will keep on working hard, fighting but without much worries. Just letting it flow. I have found one great friends, 2 years ago. I know I have true friends. I have that, it's all I need. Thank you V with all the words there are and a few more. She gets me, no words needed, no dramas, it's just it. I like keeping things simple and living life. That's it, highly important: living life as it is for now.

"Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we will die"

Enjoying everyday as if it's the last one but yet, not ignoring the future. Yesterday afternoon/night I had a blast and ...it was spechless. That's all that really matters. (:

Sorry, I'm not a people person

How many times have we got to handle others' confidences? After others tell us they don't need us, why are we still there when something goes wrong? Why us? If your friends don't want your opinion about their relationship with person X or Y, then why? Why do they even bother calling us in the middle of the night crying? Why even bother?
I told them I wouldn't have a say about that subject because they didn't want me to. Though suddently I have to help them and still have the patience to hear them after warning them? I'm sorry?! NOOOOTTTTT!

We should actually answer: "Go f**** yourself!". At least I should have done it sometime today...

*re-reads the last written sentence* It is official. I am angry, furious, I wanna kill someone in anger. I'm in an angry mood because I just don't like people and have no patience to even care about their insignificant problems. When will they get it?! I just don't care if you broke up with that boyfriend/girlfriend I've always hated! I just don't care if you have argued with person H or I! I JUST DON'T F****** CARE!!

Seriously, those people shouldn't bother to talk if they know I'm eventually going to tell them to piss off. Why do people even bother?

I like to keep things simple, basic and full of honesty. I'm complicated enough all by myself. I need things to be easy, to let it flow.

There are 3 top and really special bands in my life. I have learned from their lyrics that I should just live for today, love for today, enjoy today as much as possible and have patience about the rest, A LOT of patience. Incredibly enough, I'm finding it hard to get to the last one. Patience is a virtue but it is not easy to reach.

I try to go on singing "Patience" from Guns N' Roses. However patience is one thing that actually lacks in me.

Why worry about the future and throw today away?! That's why I love Dave Matthews Band's songs, tell us to just celebrate for now.

I mean, now...isn't now anymore, I'm thinking now but right now that now is already past. Time is not a defined line. Time is a tricky bastard. Oh, seriously and I'm actually wasting time on this....[not that I bother talking about time lines or anything science fiction/physics related]

I'm trying not to kill anyone for today with this lack of patience and angry mood. I'll go back to writing whenever I feel like it, no restrictions, just going with the flow... And this is how I like my life to be. Simple, fun, relaxing, enjoying every single bit. :)